A moment of celebration for charlie kirks death yesterday... YAYYYY :3 my dog also died yesterday, which i have known was probably gonna happen pretty soon. i joke that he sacrified himself to take out charlie, so rip to a real one. i have been elliott smith maxxing so much lately, i also havent been feeling great. i feel like im growing close with a friend and im starting to feel interested a little in a relationship but i still feel as though im not made for one. im worried that i might get into one, but then i actually hate it and end up being bad at it. i think my best option is having a close nonromantic companion when im older. these feelings of wanting to be in a relationship may be me confusing that with my want to hug and hold others hands, was that worded weirdly? anyway, i have found a couple ways to at least momentarily hold my friends hand in a joking way, im way too shy and scared to ever be honest with anyone about everythig. it just feels like im physically incapable of it. today i got some new string for my five string bass, they sound great. i also got a couple more pedals, which have been super fun to experiment with. watched some 9/11 footage this morning. yesterday me and a couple friends ate lunch at mcdonalds while analyzing the charlie kirk video and seeing what the incels of 4chan and kiwifarms were saying about it. right now my cat is laying right on me in front of my laptop in a way thats making it a bit hard to type. i just feel so empty recently, i dont know what it is. i dont want anything.
You Guys..... i saw swans over the weekend and holy shit. i also met michael after the show and got some things signed !! i will detail this in the next paragraph, let me get everything else on my mind out of the way. i road tripped with a couple friends to see swans, it was really fun. we watched baby sensory and italian brainrot videos after getting back from waffle house after the concert. the next day we all went to an adult shop, i knew it would be pretty silly but it was even sillier than i thought. then we went to a petting zoo and got to feed a bunch of animals. the ostrichs were funny but a bit scary. my favorites were definitely the bunnies, ducks, and birds. while feeding birds, a bunch of them flew onto me. i felt one on my head, it was silly. after that we all returned to our homes. it was nice but for some reason i ended up tweaking a few hours after getting back. i suddenly got very depressed and cried a lot, that hasnt happened in a long time. i dont think it has anything to do with the trip or my friends or anything, i think its just hitting me recently how much of a worthless chudcel i am #Lowkey. i got a bit sick on sunday too. during school on monday, i told one of my friends (W) that i was eepy and sick and he brought me a water and looked after me a bit. he has been nagging at me all week to take medicine. i appreciate the worry he seems to have for me, i dont think anyone before else has ever treated me in a fond and caring way like he does so it feels nice. today me and some friends went out for some lunch and ice cream between classes, it was nice. i still feel bummed and down, but im gonna try to write some music and just relax for now.
OK. TIME FOR THE SWANS STORY. so when we were in line to get in, i started the night off strong with looking at some 4chan yaoi. we get in and the line for merch was still pretty small surprisingly. i got a couple vinyl and a cd, i had also brought an angels of light cd and a Crash book to get signed heheheh :3 we got very close to the front, there was three people in front of me. the opener was great, she had so much aura and i swear she looked at me multiple times #Bonding. when michael came out on stage, i couldnt believe it, it didnt feel real at all. i was geeking so hard, i mean he was right there in front of me, so close :333 also, the dances and faces he makes were so silly and cute. i really liked when he would move his arms around in silly ways and everyone in the audience would do it back to him. the first song they played (the end of forgetting i think??) was so good. after the first 30 ish minutes, i had to step out of the crowd because the volume was too much. i mean when people say swans is loud, they are not joking, that shit is crazy. so i got some water and made my way back to my spot for some time. after another 30 ish minutes i decided to just stay in the back where it wont feel as intense and i can get water, so me and W went to the back of the crowd for the last hour. it felt better back there and it was still so loud, i think we were both temporarily deaf during that despite wearing ear plugs. the show ends, it was wonderful, i loved it. after the show, we go into the line to get some stuff signed. it was pretty long so i was a bit worried it was gona take forever, but it actually moved very fast. when it was my turn i set down my vinyl and cds and he went straight into signing live rope, and at that moment i (quietly) asked him if he would sign crash for me if thats ok. he giggled and asked me to repeat mysself ahuhasugagugdhuhh so i did and opened the book towards him, he said he would because he likes the book yayayayay :3 then i motioned to my other cd and my two vinyl and he was like "You want me to sign these too?" i was like mhmmm I WAS SO GEEKED. my leg shaking so badly its not even funny i was actually embarrassed. so while he signing the rest of my stuff he was talking to me and telling me to read J.G. Ballards short stories, that its a huge book but reallly good. i was like "YES of course i love him heheh" so i Will be purchasing that soon. he was so gentle and sweet. then he signed my friends stuff while i waited next to him, it was so crazy. when we were in line we saw him hit a vape, and he signed my other friends geekbar hehe.