A moment of celebration for charlie kirks death yesterday... YAYYYY :3 my dog also died yesterday, which i have known was probably gonna happen pretty soon. i joke that he sacrified himself to take out charlie, so rip to a real one. i have been elliott smith maxxing so much lately, i also havent been feeling great. i feel like im growing close with a friend and im starting to feel interested a little in a relationship but i still feel as though im not made for one. im worried that i might get into one, but then i actually hate it and end up being bad at it. i think my best option is having a close nonromantic companion when im older. these feelings of wanting to be in a relationship may be me confusing that with my want to hug and hold others hands, was that worded weirdly? anyway, i have found a couple ways to at least momentarily hold my friends hand in a joking way, im way too shy and scared to ever be honest with anyone about everythig. it just feels like im physically incapable of it. today i got some new string for my five string bass, they sound great. i also got a couple more pedals, which have been super fun to experiment with. watched some 9/11 footage this morning. yesterday me and a couple friends ate lunch at mcdonalds while analyzing the charlie kirk video and seeing what the incels of 4chan and kiwifarms were saying about it. right now my cat is laying right on me in front of my laptop in a way thats making it a bit hard to type. i just feel so empty recently, i dont know what it is. i dont want anything.
You Guys..... i saw swans over the weekend and holy shit. i also met michael after the show and got some things signed !! i will detail this in the next paragraph, let me get everything else on my mind out of the way. i road tripped with a couple friends to see swans, it was really fun. we watched baby sensory and italian brainrot videos after getting back from waffle house after the concert. the next day we all went to an adult shop, i knew it would be pretty silly but it was even sillier than i thought. then we went to a petting zoo and got to feed a bunch of animals. the ostrichs were funny but a bit scary. my favorites were definitely the bunnies, ducks, and birds. while feeding birds, a bunch of them flew onto me. i felt one on my head, it was silly. after that we all returned to our homes. it was nice but for some reason i ended up tweaking a few hours after getting back. i suddenly got very depressed and cried a lot, that hasnt happened in a long time. i dont think it has anything to do with the trip or my friends or anything, i think its just hitting me recently how much of a worthless chudcel i am #Lowkey. i got a bit sick on sunday too. during school on monday, i told one of my friends (W) that i was eepy and sick and he brought me a water and looked after me a bit. he has been nagging at me all week to take medicine. i appreciate the worry he seems to have for me, i dont think anyone before else has ever treated me in a fond and caring way like he does so it feels nice. today me and some friends went out for some lunch and ice cream between classes, it was nice. i still feel bummed and down, but im gonna try to write some music and just relax for now.
OK. TIME FOR THE SWANS STORY. so when we were in line to get in, i started the night off strong with looking at some 4chan yaoi. we get in and the line for merch was still pretty small surprisingly. i got a couple vinyl and a cd, i had also brought an angels of light cd and a Crash book to get signed heheheh :3 we got very close to the front, there was three people in front of me. the opener was great, she had so much aura and i swear she looked at me multiple times #Bonding. when michael came out on stage, i couldnt believe it, it didnt feel real at all. i was geeking so hard, i mean he was right there in front of me, so close :333 also, the dances and faces he makes were so silly and cute. i really liked when he would move his arms around in silly ways and everyone in the audience would do it back to him. the first song they played (the end of forgetting i think??) was so good. after the first 30 ish minutes, i had to step out of the crowd because the volume was too much. i mean when people say swans is loud, they are not joking, that shit is crazy. so i got some water and made my way back to my spot for some time. after another 30 ish minutes i decided to just stay in the back where it wont feel as intense and i can get water, so me and W went to the back of the crowd for the last hour. it felt better back there and it was still so loud, i think we were both temporarily deaf during that despite wearing ear plugs. the show ends, it was wonderful, i loved it. after the show, we go into the line to get some stuff signed. it was pretty long so i was a bit worried it was gona take forever, but it actually moved very fast. when it was my turn i set down my vinyl and cds and he went straight into signing live rope, and at that moment i (quietly) asked him if he would sign crash for me if thats ok. he giggled and asked me to repeat mysself ahuhasugagugdhuhh so i did and opened the book towards him, he said he would because he likes the book yayayayay :3 then i motioned to my other cd and my two vinyl and he was like "You want me to sign these too?" i was like mhmmm I WAS SO GEEKED. my leg shaking so badly its not even funny i was actually embarrassed. so while he signing the rest of my stuff he was talking to me and telling me to read J.G. Ballards short stories, that its a huge book but reallly good. i was like "YES of course i love him heheh" so i Will be purchasing that soon. he was so gentle and sweet. then he signed my friends stuff while i waited next to him, it was so crazy. when we were in line we saw him hit a vape, and he signed my other friends geekbar hehe.
im so eepy recently ... i havent been feeling well. i have been thinking of reaching out to a friend for help/support but i dont even know what i would say about it or if theres anything that can help me get better. the band im in has been going great, im proud of our improvement. having a bit of trouble recalling some things, not much has happened. made a yaoi paddle and made a new friend, shes really cool. been making some music that i am happy with. i want to learn another language, not to fluency but a decnt amount. i am still trying to decide which one to stick with. i will talk about W a bit i guess. recently i noticed my journal entries include him very often. i made him some dvds with things to watch on them, he liked them and we have been talking a lot in general. i think he may have covertly asked me on a date, im not too sure about if that is the intention though. im a bit dumb and delusional. we have been talking to each other a lot about how we are feeling, open and honest conversation. it feels nice. he says he worries about me, that feels nice too but i feel a bit guilty about it. i think hes sweet, im very shy. we have been sharing our songs we make with each other. i had some more things to say but i forgot, im so eepy right now so goodnight.
sulli day, i think of her often.. i love her so much. alright a few things have happened since my last post, lets see how much of it i remember. hopefully this is mostly in chronological order. well recently i love elliott smith and steve albini so much, my girlfriends. been listening to some newmusic again, mostly experimental sort of stuff. ok now for some nice things that have happened. i have been having nice moments with W recently hhehehehheh. us and some friends went to a fair and he sat with me for the rides since i was nervous. i was resting againt his legs during a break at school, it felt calmly like .. fond? i dont want to say intimate but similar to that yknow. the two of us also went to see a movie a few days ago. that was really nice, he bought me candy and my ticket, we had good conversations, laughed a lot, it was really nice overall. he sends me many pictures of his cats, hes sweet to me but hes also really great to everyone in general so i dont know if im being delusional #lol. anyway, plenty of nice moments with him pretty often which feels nice. life has been pretty nice overall i think, however i also feel more depressed and detached than usual. im not sure why, i dont think theres any reason for it. it kinda just seems to happen. the more it does happen like this though, the more hopeless i feel. i mean whats the point of anything #TBH i feel like everything is fake and ridiculous. the one big thing thats been ruining my mood lately is that the one guy that i hate is constantly messaging me with such nothingburger things, i feel like im going insane. they arent anything bad, i just dont fuck with him at all and it feels like hes trying to court me again after i rejected him earlier this year. i would like to learn a language. not with the intent of being fluent one day, but just enough like conversationally i guess. i have always been interested in japanese due to the writing system, but it is a lot to learn and kanji feels a bit daunting. i think it would be smarter and more useful to do korean instead. i have been a kpop fan for many years lol, i can already read it well and already have a light grasp on the language. i dont know what i want in life.
god. well i have been obsessed with steve albini and elliott smith lately. my uncle has cancer.. hes from my moms side of the family, who lives in a different country. normally we visit them every year but we arent this year. the one time we dont go and this happens. i believe he has about 6 to 12 months, its really frustrating knowing that i will never be able to see him again even though he is still currently alive. thats all i will saya bout that for now. bjorn andresen also died recently, i loved that man. i have been really into drone and ambient recently, also been writing and playing lots of music. recently my band secured our first gig !! thats really exciting, it what i am mainly focused on right now. its coming up really soon, im nervous but i think it will be great. i went trick or treating with friends, i have been eating lots of candy the past few days hehe. despite the bad things that have occured lately, i feel inexplicably hopeful in my heart. my future is still very uncertain but i am content with where i reside now. theres a lot of things i miss. earlier today, i looked up my childhood home on google maps. i saw how the new owners have changed the front lawn, i wonder if they have made changes to the backyard or if they have kept it how we made it. i can still feel that house in my bones, i wish i could have the chance to see it one more time but i think that sounds creepy. if i could walk through there again i think i would cry anyway, and its best to be left behind. im really tired of everything. i dont know how i feel the best i have felt in years and horrible at the same time, i think some of the things i have said so far might seem to contradict each other in a way but living is complicated i guess.