A moment of celebration for charlie kirks death yesterday... YAYYYY :3 my dog also died yesterday, which i have known was probably gonna happen pretty soon. i joke that he sacrified himself to take out charlie, so rip to a real one. i have been elliott smith maxxing so much lately, i also havent been feeling great. i feel like im growing close with a friend and im starting to feel interested a little in a relationship but i still feel as though im not made for one. im worried that i might get into one, but then i actually hate it and end up being bad at it. i think my best option is having a close nonromantic companion when im older. these feelings of wanting to be in a relationship may be me confusing that with my want to hug and hold others hands, was that worded weirdly? anyway, i have found a couple ways to at least momentarily hold my friends hand in a joking way, im way too shy and scared to ever be honest with anyone about everythig. it just feels like im physically incapable of it. today i got some new string for my five string bass, they sound great. i also got a couple more pedals, which have been super fun to experiment with. watched some 9/11 footage this morning. yesterday me and a couple friends ate lunch at mcdonalds while analyzing the charlie kirk video and seeing what the incels of 4chan and kiwifarms were saying about it. right now my cat is laying right on me in front of my laptop in a way thats making it a bit hard to type. i just feel so empty recently, i dont know what it is. i dont want anything.
You Guys..... i saw swans over the weekend and holy shit. i also met michael after the show and got some things signed !! i will detail this in the next paragraph, let me get everything else on my mind out of the way. i road tripped with a couple friends to see swans, it was really fun. we watched baby sensory and italian brainrot videos after getting back from waffle house after the concert. the next day we all went to an adult shop, i knew it would be pretty silly but it was even sillier than i thought. then we went to a petting zoo and got to feed a bunch of animals. the ostrichs were funny but a bit scary. my favorites were definitely the bunnies, ducks, and birds. while feeding birds, a bunch of them flew onto me. i felt one on my head, it was silly. after that we all returned to our homes. it was nice but for some reason i ended up tweaking a few hours after getting back. i suddenly got very depressed and cried a lot, that hasnt happened in a long time. i dont think it has anything to do with the trip or my friends or anything, i think its just hitting me recently how much of a worthless chudcel i am #Lowkey. i got a bit sick on sunday too. during school on monday, i told one of my friends (W) that i was eepy and sick and he brought me a water and looked after me a bit. he has been nagging at me all week to take medicine. i appreciate the worry he seems to have for me, i dont think anyone before else has ever treated me in a fond and caring way like he does so it feels nice. today me and some friends went out for some lunch and ice cream between classes, it was nice. i still feel bummed and down, but im gonna try to write some music and just relax for now.
OK. TIME FOR THE SWANS STORY. so when we were in line to get in, i started the night off strong with looking at some 4chan yaoi. we get in and the line for merch was still pretty small surprisingly. i got a couple vinyl and a cd, i had also brought an angels of light cd and a Crash book to get signed heheheh :3 we got very close to the front, there was three people in front of me. the opener was great, she had so much aura and i swear she looked at me multiple times #Bonding. when michael came out on stage, i couldnt believe it, it didnt feel real at all. i was geeking so hard, i mean he was right there in front of me, so close :333 also, the dances and faces he makes were so silly and cute. i really liked when he would move his arms around in silly ways and everyone in the audience would do it back to him. the first song they played (the end of forgetting i think??) was so good. after the first 30 ish minutes, i had to step out of the crowd because the volume was too much. i mean when people say swans is loud, they are not joking, that shit is crazy. so i got some water and made my way back to my spot for some time. after another 30 ish minutes i decided to just stay in the back where it wont feel as intense and i can get water, so me and W went to the back of the crowd for the last hour. it felt better back there and it was still so loud, i think we were both temporarily deaf during that despite wearing ear plugs. the show ends, it was wonderful, i loved it. after the show, we go into the line to get some stuff signed. it was pretty long so i was a bit worried it was gona take forever, but it actually moved very fast. when it was my turn i set down my vinyl and cds and he went straight into signing live rope, and at that moment i (quietly) asked him if he would sign crash for me if thats ok. he giggled and asked me to repeat mysself ahuhasugagugdhuhh so i did and opened the book towards him, he said he would because he likes the book yayayayay :3 then i motioned to my other cd and my two vinyl and he was like "You want me to sign these too?" i was like mhmmm I WAS SO GEEKED. my leg shaking so badly its not even funny i was actually embarrassed. so while he signing the rest of my stuff he was talking to me and telling me to read J.G. Ballards short stories, that its a huge book but reallly good. i was like "YES of course i love him heheh" so i Will be purchasing that soon. he was so gentle and sweet. then he signed my friends stuff while i waited next to him, it was so crazy. when we were in line we saw him hit a vape, and he signed my other friends geekbar hehe.
im so eepy recently ... i havent been feeling well. i have been thinking of reaching out to a friend for help/support but i dont even know what i would say about it or if theres anything that can help me get better. the band im in has been going great, im proud of our improvement. having a bit of trouble recalling some things, not much has happened. made a yaoi paddle and made a new friend, shes really cool. been making some music that i am happy with. i want to learn another language, not to fluency but a decnt amount. i am still trying to decide which one to stick with. i will talk about W a bit i guess. recently i noticed my journal entries include him very often. i made him some dvds with things to watch on them, he liked them and we have been talking a lot in general. i think he may have covertly asked me on a date, im not too sure about if that is the intention though. im a bit dumb and delusional. we have been talking to each other a lot about how we are feeling, open and honest conversation. it feels nice. he says he worries about me, that feels nice too but i feel a bit guilty about it. i think hes sweet, im very shy. we have been sharing our songs we make with each other. i had some more things to say but i forgot, im so eepy right now so goodnight.
sulli day, i think of her often.. i love her so much. alright a few things have happened since my last post, lets see how much of it i remember. hopefully this is mostly in chronological order. well recently i love elliott smith and steve albini so much, my girlfriends. been listening to some newmusic again, mostly experimental sort of stuff. ok now for some nice things that have happened. i have been having nice moments with W recently hhehehehheh. us and some friends went to a fair and he sat with me for the rides since i was nervous. i was resting againt his legs during a break at school, it felt calmly like .. fond? i dont want to say intimate but similar to that yknow. the two of us also went to see a movie a few days ago. that was really nice, he bought me candy and my ticket, we had good conversations, laughed a lot, it was really nice overall. he sends me many pictures of his cats, hes sweet to me but hes also really great to everyone in general so i dont know if im being delusional #lol. anyway, plenty of nice moments with him pretty often which feels nice. life has been pretty nice overall i think, however i also feel more depressed and detached than usual. im not sure why, i dont think theres any reason for it. it kinda just seems to happen. the more it does happen like this though, the more hopeless i feel. i mean whats the point of anything #TBH i feel like everything is fake and ridiculous. the one big thing thats been ruining my mood lately is that the one guy that i hate is constantly messaging me with such nothingburger things, i feel like im going insane. they arent anything bad, i just dont fuck with him at all and it feels like hes trying to court me again after i rejected him earlier this year. i would like to learn a language. not with the intent of being fluent one day, but just enough like conversationally i guess. i have always been interested in japanese due to the writing system, but it is a lot to learn and kanji feels a bit daunting. i think it would be smarter and more useful to do korean instead. i have been a kpop fan for many years lol, i can already read it well and already have a light grasp on the language. i dont know what i want in life.
god. well i have been obsessed with steve albini and elliott smith lately. my uncle has cancer.. hes from my moms side of the family, who lives in a different country. normally we visit them every year but we arent this year. the one time we dont go and this happens. i believe he has about 6 to 12 months, its really frustrating knowing that i will never be able to see him again even though he is still currently alive. thats all i will saya bout that for now. bjorn andresen also died recently, i loved that man. i have been really into drone and ambient recently, also been writing and playing lots of music. recently my band secured our first gig !! thats really exciting, it what i am mainly focused on right now. its coming up really soon, im nervous but i think it will be great. i went trick or treating with friends, i have been eating lots of candy the past few days hehe. despite the bad things that have occured lately, i feel inexplicably hopeful in my heart. my future is still very uncertain but i am content with where i reside now. theres a lot of things i miss. earlier today, i looked up my childhood home on google maps. i saw how the new owners have changed the front lawn, i wonder if they have made changes to the backyard or if they have kept it how we made it. i can still feel that house in my bones, i wish i could have the chance to see it one more time but i think that sounds creepy. if i could walk through there again i think i would cry anyway, and its best to be left behind. im really tired of everything. i dont know how i feel the best i have felt in years and horrible at the same time, i think some of the things i have said so far might seem to contradict each other in a way but living is complicated i guess.
BRO. some awesome things have happened recently. the only reason i havent been active is because FIRST, we were having internet problems for like a week,, THEN my puter decided to go crazy and it just wasnt working properly for some reason BUT now its back to normal and i can come on again :3 it would take a while to type out everything i wanna say, but im getting sleepy so my plan is to catch up on posting here. over the next week or so i will try to write about whats happened since i last posted. overall things have been going well, some exciting stuff coming up for me soon :333 okay bye for now i will get back quickly
okay, in mid november i saw 200 stab wounds live and it was awesome, the openers were incredible too. no cure was my favorite. i was right at the front and for most of the set, the vocalist (who was wearing a cropped tee) had his stomach directly in my face, i mean he was literally inches away lol. at one point he grabbed my head with one hand and shook me around a bit, at another he started to karate chop the top of my head,, it was really silly. i got their setlist, the drummer gave it to me, and i got it signed after the show. i also got a pick from 200 stab wounds :3 it was incredible. the show ended earlier than i had expected so i was sitting on the ground outside as i waite for my dad to arrive. THEN the no cure vocalist, his name is blythe i believe, came up to check on me heheh. he asked me if i had fun and gave me a fist bump :P then he aske if i got any of their stickers (i was talking about their stickers to them as they signed my setlist, they were free and they told me to take as many as i like) i told him i had grabbed a few and was holding them in my sock during the show and he replied saying that was cute hehehhe. i waite a bit longer and three guys from bastardane, dead heat, and 200 stab wounds also checked on me :P the venue was a bit away from home lol, i waited like 30 minutes. ANYWAYZ yeah that was amazing, best day ever. THEN later that week, my band played our first show !!!! it was really fun and went pretty well. we spent the money we earned from it eating at waffle house afterward :3
HAPPY NEW YURI. okay i was on a family vacation for christmas for most of december, and i decided not to take my laptop with me hehe. i got a lot of reading in which was good, it was alright. i got a bunch of books. ANYWAY im back for real, last month was hard since i was finishing up the semester and traveling and stuff but now im unemployed again #FuckYes. i read The Monk by Matthew Lewis recently,,, so amazingly fire. ALSO i have gotten into georges bataille recently #nerdemoji heheh,, im gonna buy som of his books soon hopefully, i read a couple online. i figured out my thing with physical vs digital books too, i like physical book more for sure but if i am rereading something, then i think its easier to reread it online rather than the physical book. i wouldnt typically read a book for the first time though, i find it harder to concentrate and get into it unless its a real short book. but rereading a book digitally is nice since i already have an establishe knowledge and interest in the story, and i can also just take it out really quick and read little bits throughout the day. recently i have gotten into whitehouse, #POWERELECTRONICS. hmm, im trying to remember things that have happened recently but im having trouble remembering too much, honestly im sleepy rn heheheh :P agh, my bed is like, partially overflowing with plushies. i just realized this right now as i looked up in thought. watched some robert sean leonard and chloe sevigny movies today. okayyy,,,, GOODNIGHT
nothing really happened in january, i was really just at home and listening to music so i didnt bother writing, but i started school again and something has just happened. the guy that i Hate, that has been trying to court me for a year posted some bullshit on his story. i saw it right after i woke up, so it immediately ruined my day. it was some binary code, so of course i put it in a website to decode it, and the result was a message saying that he still likes me. it bothere me all day, but i told some friends and they all agreed that its creepy. MIND YOU, in december he had asked me what my prolem with him was and i answere honestly that he tends to make me uncomfortable, usually with offensive remarks and jokes he makes, and he just brushed that off like it was nothing, he does not care. i have also completely stopped replying to his (still frequent) messages. i dont know how on earth he hasnt gotten the hint to leave me along, but its really starting to freak me out, and him posting that coded message on his instagram story just feels incredibly humiliating now that hes making his advances towards me public. i also have a bad feeling that. hes gonna try to ask me out for valentines day again this year. if he does im really gonna tell him off on it, to leave me alone because i really cant take it anymore. i spent a couple hours today crying, i just feel so embarrassed and frustrated and confused. everything about this feels bizarre. the only good news i currently have is that i no longer am attending therapy because my therapist agreed that i seem to be doing better and can manage myself well now, which feels good. i also got tickets to see acid bath and sunn o))), im excited for those. anyway, i considered even bringing up this whole situation about that guy being weird towards me with my parents, which makes me feel even worse, because the last thing i ever want to do is go to my parents for any sort of help or advice, since im sensitive about bothering them in any way even if its small or important things that i should speak with them about. i likely wont end up doing it, but i still want to because pretty much all of my friends are guys and i dont think they will understand it in the same way compared to if i speak with a woman about it. to makes things worse, a good amount of my friends are friends with That Guy. i dont think they they will side with him at all, i mentioned being bothered by him before and they were all very supportive of me, wanting the best for me, but its just different with them. thats all i really have to say right now. i will also add my recent interests here, which are: elliott smith, georges bataille, steve albini, black midis album schlagenheim (rip matt, lovely man), whitehouse, xiu xius twin peaks album, chess, and card games. i will return sometime soon. i hope its to relay good things.
i dont even want to do anything, i fell out of habits that amde me feel good. i finally got my fucking permit today and i got accepted into a great music school a few hours later, but im not even that excited about either of those things. i recently feel like i was better off when i was agoraphobic and badly paranoid, as stupid as that sounds. i dont feel like i have any purpose for the outside world and i dont think anyone knows what to do with me. its been a couple years since i have rejoined society but i still feel incredibly lonely and isolated almost every day. none of the relationships i currently have feel as fulfilling as i had thought they would, i know i can take part in fixing that but that is still dependent on the other person too. my band has been doing gigs and recording stuff which feels nice, but i still feel like a fraud. in my ideal world, i would like to stay in my room forever.. making music and posting it online, maybe making some artwork as well. i think i would be anonymous and i find like-minded people, but not a lot. i only want to connect with a certain type of person who understands me. leaving my house would only happen for necessary things of course, but i would still go out to attend concerts and stopping by music stores, then grabbing a yummy snack on the way home. all of this is incredibly unrealistic, but what work am i supposed to do? im terrible at talking to others, i dont see why someone would hire me. i think the only thing that has happened over the past few weeks that has really made me feel great was something my mom mentioned to me. she told me that the previous day, she was talking to my dad and he randomly said that he loves my personality. he loves that i stay authentic to myself and say what is on my mind. i appreciated hearing that he thinks that, i tend to worry that my parents might be very neutral to me, but it seems that i do have some positive qualities that others enjoy. as i typed this i remembered my mom telling me that she enjoys speaking to me because i am intelligent, cynical, and funny. i think that was a month ago..? that also felt nice to hear. i just hope that other people i meet in the future might feel the same way.