a few hours after making this site, trump announced he bombed iran. i cant even put into words how this feels, everyone i know is freaking out and discussing nonstop. i dont understand how every day manages to become worse and worse, any person that voted for that man is scum. this has happened before, that means this isnt the end, hope. i dont know what else to write on this, i will just leave it, im not gonna pretend like im extremely educated on these topics when im not.
on the other hand, i have been doing ok recently. i started a new medicine, its going well and i like it. i talk to my friends often despite not seeing them, they call me, which feels nice. i guess W (the chosen name censorship for now lol) has bought me something..? he asked the size of my bed and said i will get something in the mail in a couple days, im sure its gonna be a blanket with some ugly image on it. im betting on it being michael gira. i have been practicing bass frequently, im starting to use a pick. i think so far i am doing pretty well considering i have only been practicing with it a few weeks now, im pretty proud of it. i have also been practicing simple drum rudiments a little bit, i hope by the time i start lessons for it that i at least know something lol. im reading the brothers karamazov recently, i really love it so far. my favorite aspect of the book is alyoshsa, and how everyone always calls him as an angel, its so cute.
im not planning on adding new entries every single day, but i happened to receive a cd i ordered today so thats why im writing. its Leichenlinie by Genocide Organ, a recent favorite album of mine. i have been listening to it on repeat, im in a bit of a death industrial/power electronics phase recently.im excited to listen to it later, although i have some school work to finish TT anyway, right now im listening to Filth by Swans.... love swans of course. today i have also reached 200 new albums listened to this year !! its 4:20 rn :o i think im gonna play some bass before i eat. i'll probably add something here later.
im back, its about midnight. my friends are gonna plan something for my birthday, im really excited. i havent celebrated a birthday with friends since i was like 11 or 12 #lol.. i have been kinda nervous about celebrating it with friends instead of just my family, but i think it will be nice. typically i dread my birthday, obviously i dont enjoy getting older, i also hate being the center of attention and things like that, i always have to try really hard not to cry when they sing happy birthday. a mix of awkwardness and sadness. i finished some math work, i actually understand it pretty well. right now im listening to I Crawled by Swans (michael version :P), great song.. thats all i think
woahhhh big news, yesterday this person i used to be extremely close with when i was like 14 sent a follow request to my old twt acc, but then they deleted it after a few min D: but i was still wondering if i should try to reach out, they prob thought i was not on there anymore lol. anyway, i followed them and they followed me back !! and we had a short convo earlier this morning, it was great. i hadnt spoken to them in years, so this was really cool.. another cool thing, a couple of my friends are going to take me to see babymetal for my birthday !! huge... im also seeing primus shortly after that :3 a couple days ago i also reached 200 new albums this year. i have been practicing drum rolls all day, i keep doing it on my legs since im sitting in bed and now there are bruises on them lolol. making good progress in brothers karamazov, im around page 225 i believe. thats all for now i think, a song i am currently loving is Paraiso 1 by Ground Zero.
went to the local music shop today. the old men that work there are so silly, one of them took me to a drumset in the back of the store to make me sit at it so i can see what its like, (im taking drum lessons in a couple months) then he played a little for me. i bought some sticks and a drum pad there. afterwards, we went out for lunch at a korean restaurant, i got a bulgogi bowl... it was delicious. once i got home i bought a sansamp pedal and some patch cables online, they will be here in a few days, im so excited. i have mostly been watching a lot of youtube videos about morbid stories and mysteries or whatever. im really getting into xiu xiu recently, apistat commander is crazy. im around page 350 in the brothers karamazov, i somehow love this book more and more as it goes on. i have also been listening to way too much title fight lol. recently im focusing on learning stab by title fight, airbag by radiohead, and purr by sonic youth on bass. i have been practicing slapping recently, i have noticed a lot of improvement yayy. watched that new squid game season... not sure how to feel. i think the ending with the baby winning is interesting, but im not completely satisfied with the way some events played out idk.. aside from watching that, i rewatched a bit of human centipede movies, salo, and august underground, that was fun. im writing at 1:04 am on the 29th, an hour ago W called me to make that ac running joke. it was pretty silly, i was speechless. i really want rice and coke tomorrow.
i have eaten bulgogi for lunch the past three days now, i hope to extend this more. i got my sansamp pedal today, i love it sm !! i have also been improving my slapping on bass, its so much fun. i spent a lot of time scrolling through tumblr today, im listening to acid bath rn. michael gira posted happy by pharrell williams on facebook today, that was pretty silly. also, apparently he has a third kid now ???? bro is like 71 with a baby, crazy. i watched a friend show me a game he has been enjoying recently, then we played that stupid roblox garden game for a while together. i was pretty locked in on it. recently i have been feeling a bit sleepy, not too much, just enough to be able to notice it kinda. i think its a side effect of prozac, i just started it a few weeks ago. hopefully it will go away after a bit longer. to be honest, i cant stop thinking about ending it lately. i dont actively Really want to and i really wouldnt do it unless i was old. i remember seeing that these thoughts are a possible side effect as well, i hope thats true. i would feel bad thinking these things, it would relieve me to believe that they are only there because of something else. well they have always been there, but i mean i have improved a lot over the past year, so feeling like it could come back isnt great. i feel like im rambling on this, i hope what i say makes some sense. i started to watch 13 reasons why (completely unrelated to my own thoughts lol, i had been thinking of trying the show for a while) and i actually really like it, im pretty invested. im just gonna read for a bit, then i might watch another episode or two before going to sleep. byeeeeeeeee
yesterday i went out with my friends. we got some food, went to karaoke, and watched a movie. we went up to this preacher on the sidewalk and asked him a couple stupid questions, he then lead us in two prayers hehehhehe. we stopped at a gas station and i finally got more gum. its so hot out, earlier i was outside for maybe ten seconds and i started to sweat already. i spent a lot of time reading the brothers karamazov today, i am nearing the end. i think i have about 130 pages left. i love alyosha so much. i also became obsessed with Xiu Xiu's twin peaks album. i had put it on at a low volume while i took a short nap, and i partially woke up around the beginning of josies past. it felt really special, like when i first listened to meddle by pink floyd while barely awake. i think i have been doing well on my bass recently, i have noticed some improvements which is a relief. earlier today i watched a couple videos on jonbenet ramsey. i remember when i was litttle, i only vaguely knew what happened but at that time i thought the brother did it. now after learning the basic facts and things that happened im kinda convinced the dad did it. i have been thinking of buying a synthesizer recently, need to find a good one thats not a million dollars. i have been thinking of song ideas. i just noticed most of my sentences start the same way (i, and i hated to type this one out), well...... im no woolf, just writing as i think heheh. trimmed my bangs today. see now im trying to avoid it. gum i will chew.. soon. shit, whatever. im so sleepy lately. im really weak too. i cant do much.
i finished the brothers karamazov yesterday and i started anna karenina, life is so great when i read. last night i feel asleep while listening to perverts by ethel cain, it was very nice. the past couple weeks i feel like im detached from reality again, detached from my body and the world. i dont think i or anything/anyone else is real, maybe thats why i always feel so carefree when i shouldnt. i wasnt as sleep today which is prob good... i really want something yummy to eat but im so sick of everything, maybe i will just get a snack when im done here. i saw a car crash yesterday (the guy was ok) it was pretty cool. recently i feel more and more that there is something wrong with me, that i cant connect with others well. on the other hand im a bit scared to do so, and am pretty content alone. i think a lot of people feel this way, so its hard to tell if what im feeling is normal or if its at a point where its becoming a problem. i hope it lets up one day, its all i have felt for the last six or seven years. im trying really hard to be honest on here and say the things i want lol but it feels a bit awkward to talk about these things. if anyone even sees this, sorry. im not sure what im apologizing for. anyways, im probably gonna listen to shed by title fight again when this coil album finishes. i really want bulgogi and rice.
just became obsessed with robert crumb. i love real authentic perverts so much. i now have a big three, frank zappa, john waters, and robert crumb. its so exciting. i really want to drink a coke, i have been craving one so bad recently. today i listened to i remember you by bjork like a million times. i took a nap earlier today with my cat while i played swans on my phone. recently, my obsession with bridge piercings has come back, i want one very badly but im 97% sure i dont have the anatomy for it TT. the other day, a twt mutual i hardly interact with dmed me after a series of tweets i made, telling me about his fetishes and a couple sexual fantasies, it was pretty fun to hear about hehehe :P. earlier i watched a ton of performances of warukii by miyuki, i love that song so bad. i have gotten a pimple on my chin, its pretty annoying. im really nervous about my birthday coming up, i dont know if i want to go out to celebrate with friends. i think i might rather just go out to eat and to the record store, then be left alone the rest of the day. honestly i just want school to start up again, i have a few friends that i want to see, that i dont text often. i just wanna lose three more pounds i think. right now my waist measurement is 22.5 inches :3 pretty exciting. i need to trim my bangs again but i keep forgetting, hopefully i get around to it tomorrow.
im listening to i remember you by bjork right now... perfect. i had doritos for the first time in forever today it felt awesome, i also got more gum yay. im still hung up on the bridge piercing, i keep squeezing that area of my nose trying to convince myself that i have a chance lolol. its ian curtis' birthday today :3 and mine in 10 days :P. im nervous for my birthday, i dont really want to do something with my friends. i mean if they brought something up then i would do it, but i would rather just get kbbq with my family and go to a record store... and thats it. since i have been feeling shitty recently, i scheduled an appointment with my therapist but the closest spot she had open was the morning of my birthday TT whatever it will be fine. i also saw my psychiatrist today, i gave in and told her a couple things i was embarrassed of and might have shed a few tears #oops that made it even more embarrassing, however this is the only way to improvement so i will persevere. last night i spent an hour typing out all the text from a foreign magazine page to be able to translate it. my bass progress is coming along well, i think my slapping is steadily improving bit by bit. omfg everytime i move my mouse to the bottom right corner that fuckass notepad pops up and i tend to accidentally click on it to open it up its so annoying. anyway my big drop of the day is that im pretty sure im a schizoid .. it would explain a lot for me #iguess. thats all i got for right know. oh i have to do an online math exam in a couple days, with that browser lockdown and monitor thing. im dreading it. ok now thats actually it.
big things happening today. first of all, i got an a in my summer math class .. insane. i dont think i have gotten an a in math since like 3rd grade #lol. second, i hit 100,000 scrobbles today ! love my scrobble life #lastfm4evr. lastly, i definitely have szpd. at first when i was more unsure of it, still learning about what it is, i felt nervous that it might apply to me. after doing a lot more research, i confidently believe i do have it, and i feel relieved. it answers so many things about myself that i have been confused or frustrated with for the past 5/6 years. i feel content and more at peace, now i feel like i have myself figured out. another piece of great news, the pedal i had put an order in during may is finally on the way, it should be here tomorrow. it was out of stock when i ordered it but whenever they thought they would have more pf it kept getting pushed back (dont remember if i have mentioned this before). im suddenly feeling a bit sleepy. oh well, im listening to swans right now, of course. i cleaned my room a bit today, it feels nice.
not much recently. im eating some wheat thins right now, i havent had these in ages. i have mostly been thinking about my bass recently, compared to a couple months ago i have made a lot of progress on it, which im really happy about. i keep having these tiny moments of ..... im not sure what to call it actually. its like i faint but only for a second ??? like i get a little shock back to reality, idk its weird. i love wikipedia recently, not sure why but its so fun. i need to learn how to drive, i should start studying and practicing for it finally. i just keep feeling like somethings gonna happen, i feel confused lately. detached from myself and from the world. everything seems fake to me. last night i listened to an old playlist of mine, all the songs i used to love, it felt really weird. i want to start writing again. those tiny shocks just happened three times while typing that last sentence. i cleaned my room some more today.
ok, a couple semi interesting things happened to me in the past few days. the big things of recent are 1. i began to write again. not very serious, or even stories really. just little fragments. im intending to use and expand them in the future for lyrics. 2. i went to see babymetal with my friends a couple days ago, it was incredible!! i had a great time!! HOWEVER .... before we went i ate so much food, i ended up being sick at the concert TT i threw up a few times and got checked by a medic (he put me in a wheelchair it was kinda fun) BUT i wasnt gonna let it ruin the day. i still caught most of the show and i was back there dancing and havinf fun anyway. my friends were really helpful and understanding when i got sick during it, which i really appreciate. they also gave me some awesome gifts for my birthday!! i ended up feeling bac to normal the next day so everything is alright. 3.today was my birthday (the big one nine) :3 3 a.i saw my therapist and talked with her about thinking i have schizoid personality disorder, she seems to think that its likely. she gave me a referral to this other lady to get an evaluation and possibly a diagnosis. 3 b.i had a nice peaceful birthday today, went out with my mom to a few stores and only had to take one phone call from a family member (thank god lol) i got a bunch of cds, a few books, and a couple lippies. i had a yummy lunch and got to calmly enjoy myself Alone in my room with music and my cat :D my friends all messaged me, it felt nice. i had a couple easy conversations with some, it went well overall today. oh, i also played in alternate tunings on bass for the first time today. its a bit fun, i will have to try a couple more some other time. thats about it for now, im sleepy.
every morning i wake up and immediately feel nauseous with anxiety. i feel like my heart might give out on me for some reason. i tend to feel anxious throughout the entire day, im not sure why. even if im not going outside my house i still feel it. im beginning to get nervous that i am going to become more agoraphobic like how i used to be. anyway, i talked to my therapist about the schizoid personality disorder things, she seems to think i am right and agrees with my self diagnosis. she also decided it would be helpful for me to get an evaluation done, since its possible it could be something else such as autism, so im doing that sometime soon ... im just glad i wont be so confused and unsure of myself anymore when this gets done. im fine with whatever the outcome is, i just need peace of mind on how i work. yesterday i changed my bass strings, they sound so beautiful. i also decided to start studying philosophy (just for enjoyment), i enrolled in an intro to philosophy class, im pretty excited for it. i have been reading and writing more lately, i think its good for me. i feel proud getting something down even if im not an incredible writer. the other day i stayed up until 4:30 am playing roblox with a couple friends, it was really nice. i just feel like an alien compared to everyone else, like i function in a completely different way. i feel like im getting crazier lately. i have had eczema on my hand the past few weeks, i have been applying lotion constantly so its finally starting to calm down. primus concert is soon, its gonna be awesome. the other day my friend came by my house to give me a coke and chips from the gas station, that was pretty awesome. i have been working on music again, its going well.
I SAW PRIMUS THE OTHER DAY. holy shit les claypool is the best. hes so nonchalant and silly, i was entranced. the whole concert felt like i was in a baby sensory video kida. i really loved the visuals they had up on screen, it was really cool. got some books today :3 i need to be banned from buying more actually... i rearranged some of my books today and i have so many that i havent read, its ridiculous. i have still been writing lately, also thinking of song ideas as well as making some music. i dont remember if i mentioned.. my friend asked me to join the band hes making. we are gonna meet up soon to play together, im really excited. really into knowledge lately. i have been starting some philosophy studying. ah i really want a hashbrown and a coke.
met with my friends and we played some music, it went pretty well. im hopeful for it :3 i feel like lately i have given up so much on trying to interact with others in a normal(?) way. i used to try so hard to act and socialize in a way i thought others see as normal, but its gotten so exhausting. im starting to behave in a way more honest to how i feel, which im proud of but also feel a bit awkward about since others may be awkward around me. im so tired of constantly being questioned on why i like or do certain things. im tired of answering people questions honestly and them laughing at me and thinking im joking around. i just wish i could Be in a way that i feel truly comfortable in and that others would leave me be. obiously i hate small talk, but i even hate just when others try to make casual conversation with me. like if they try to talk to me about something they know i like or whatever, i just dont want to talk, i dont have anything to say to them. especially if its something im into, then i only feel good talking to someone who is into it in the same way that i am, otherwise its unbearable. casual conversations make me feel uncomfortable at this point. i only want to speak to others if they initiate a meaningful or interesting conversation. im getting sleepy.
we met up and played again, it went well. we have a few new songs we are working on and we have decided on a couple to cover :3 i also finally ordered a small pedalboard, which should be getting here in a couple days :D im super excited about it, im just recently getting into pedals a bit. last week i went with my friends to chuck e cheese, they made me take a picture with chuck. then we went to the mall, i got some lip jewelry and a bunch of candy. after that we went to guitar center, where i bought an mxr mini brick :D and we spent a lot of time playing instruments of course. i played this five string bass for a bit and became obsessed, im thinking of getting one. i have been writing small things again, i want to be able to write lyrics for our songs. my. acquaintance.. F has been bothering me again lately. at the begininng of the year i had a month or so of time where i completely ignored him, avoided looking at him at all. he asked me on a date in february, a couple weeks after i started to avoid him, and it was the worst moment of my life. out of everyone i know, he is the only one that i really dislike. i dont like the way he speaks, the way he moves, how he acts, his jokes, Nothing. anyway, he has been texting me a lot lately and i have sorta just given up on responding to him... i only respond using one or two words, its just that everything he says is so uninteresting. hes always asking me the boring ass questions that i dont even know how to respond to, and telling me random shit i know neither of us gaf about. im sleepy thats all i have to say for now.